MALE ANNOUNCER: Previously onBoston Legal...
All set for your testimony, Renee?
I'’m nervous. I'’m not as funny when I'’m nervous.
She'’s very odd, Jerry.
I lost my cherry.
KATIE: It was with Dana?
Of course it was with Dana. She'’s my girlfriend.
-Jerry'’s girlfriend. -What about her?
I didn'’t entirely give up the brothel business.
I'’m not gonna date a call girl.
When I tell you I love you, that isn'’t a lie.
Please leave.
Denny, if you were president, seriously, you would nuke Iraq and Iran?
Before breakfast.
-North Korea? -Okay.
-Pakistan? -Why not?
-Afghanistan? -If there'’s time.
Tap dancing?
I used it before to battle stage fright when I first went into litigation.
But it'’s also effective for stress therapy.
A trained therapist actually suggested this?
-Is it too weird? -Well, yes, Jerry.
The popping, the wooden cigarette,
the tics, all of this I understand, and even appreciate, but--
[knocking]
Dana! Hello. Welcome... Not.
Hello, Jerry. Katie.
-Dana. -Listen, uh--
[chuckles] How do I say this?
There'’s nothing to say, Dana. I made my position clear.
I am finished. Read my-- Lips!
Hello, Lorraine. You were my next stop.
I'’m not here to ask you to take me back, as much as I'’d like that.
I was arrested last night.
One of my clients-- One of your clients
is an undercover agent working for the Boston Police Department.
I'’m in a little bit of trouble.
I'’m here in need of a lawyer.
-She'’s a call girl. -Can you believe it?
First Lorraine, then this girl. Hookers wherever you look.
And have you seen this girl? Dana? My God, she'’s so beautiful.
-And to think she'’s only a credit card away. -[knocking]
Denny?
Well, well, well! Finally come to pay your bet?
-How are you, Denny? -$10,000 richer, I hope.
Alan Shore, Paul Cruickshank. I beat his ass at golf for five grand.
Then kicked what was left of it in the courtroom for another five.
The bet was you were supposed to come crawling in with your money.
I'’m not here about the bet, Denny.
What is it then?
It'’s extremely confidential.
We'’re married.
May I speak to you in private, please?
I'’m assuming your office isn'’t bugged.
It might be. Why do you care?
Uh, once I tell you why I'’m here,
you'’ll realize this visit pains me far more than it does you.
Let'’s get to that part then.
You know I'’m on the Republican National Committee.
What do you think, honestly, of John McCain?
[snores]
Yes. That perception appears to be shared.
Next question. Do you know how W. got to be president?
-His S.A.T. scores? -We picked him.
-Not because of his intelligence. -Gee.
-Or that he was a great speaker. -No?
But because he tracks. He was a cowboy.
He was somebody we could sell to the American public.
-John McCain isn'’t. -[snores]
Get to the punch line, Paul. I'’m not feeling your pain.
Because I have a relationship with you,
I'’ve been asked to ask you...
How would you feel about running for president?
There, I'’ve done my duty. Just say, "No." I'’ll be gone.
President?
Of the United States?
I can tell them you passed then.
Denny Crane.
Commander-in-chief.
I like it.
[theme music playing]
♪ Uh-huh ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Come on, all right ♪
♪ Well, yeah ♪
♪ Outlaw ♪
Don'’t be ridiculous.
They'’re considering me and 10 others.
Evidently, my appearance on the Larry King show went through the roof.
-The public loves me, as expected. -Denny--
I'’m not supposed to be telling you anything, by the way. You know nothing.
Do they know you have mad cow?
They'’re looking for the next Ronald Reagan. He had it at the very end.
Ronald Reagan didn'’t have a hooker fetish.
Please. I'’m an emperor.
[laughs] Denny, no offense, but this is beyond preposterous. Beyond.
Why? Bigger nut jobs have been floated in the past.
Lee Iacocca, Donald Trump, Jesse Ventura. Why not me?
Denny, you don'’t think before you speak, you barely speak the English language.
You always have to get your way. You'’d never get along with other countries.
For God sake, what would possess the Republican Party--
Heir apparent.
This must be a joke.
I'’m being vetted by six committee members this afternoon.
If I pass that test--
Top secret.
Hello.
H-Hello.
Um, may I help you?
You may. My name is Renee Winger.
I was denied employment by a company guilty of pervasive and systemic gender bias.
Might I count on you to be my attorney?
May I ask what company are you looking to sue?
The Archdiocese.
The Archdiocese of Boston?
Yes. I seek to be a priest.
[laughs] Don'’t we all.
You are a woman.
Okay. Thank you. Now will be fine.
No arraignment yet. The D.A. wants to meet.
Which means they'’re willing to make a deal.
Dana, I don'’t think we can represent you.
They'’ll likely ask you to flip your employer, and that would be Lorraine.
I don'’t plan to flip anybody.
I told Lorraine I'’d preserve her confidence. I keep my word.
Spare us the self-righteousness, Dana.
You kept from me you were a call girl.
Look, folks. Come on. They got us here dead to rights,
flat as a pancake, done, finis, sacre bleu,kaputski.
Jerry, we agreed we'’d leave out the foreign languages.
May I have a word with Jerry, please?
I don'’t expect you to be able to reconcile
how a woman can have sexual relations with one man,
while being committed to and completely in love with another, but--
I really don'’t want to go there. I thank you in advance for your cooperation.
Could we maybe go to dinner and just talk?
-I'’m seeing somebody. -Who?
An inflatable doll, if you must know.
-Patty? -Patty wasn'’t inflatable.
This is just a cheap, transitional thing. Not that you weren'’t.
Give me a break, would ya?
Let me acknowledge from the outset, this is a long shot.
Okay.
For whatever reason, your public appearances,
most recently on Larry King, have been very winning with our base.
You also have a bit of a Wild West profile that John McCain...
-[snores] -...doesn'’t. But there are issues.
You recently appeared before the Supreme Court opposing the death penalty.
Hired gun. Just a case. I am for the death penalty.
Always have been, always will be.
I'’d like to play a political Rorschach test.
-A word association game. -Shoot.
-I'’ll throw out a word. Say the word that pops into your head. -Shoot.
-Homosexual. -Shoot.
-Abortion. -Murder.
-The war. -9/11.
-Economy. -Democrats.
-John McCain. -[snores]
-Immigration. -No mas.
-Hillary. -[farts] Pull my finger.
That was very interesting.
-Can we turn to your personal life? -Please.
Our background check reveals you enjoy spending time with prostitutes.
Who doesn'’t? I like sex. I like women. I'’ll hump anything in a dress.
I'’ll even get down on the floor with you right now if they'’ll turn off the lights.
Know this, the American public will find it refreshing to get a Republican candidate
who'’s not a moralistic, sexually repressed, crusading hypocrite
who cruises airport men'’s rooms late at night.
Denny Crane rides high in the saddle.
I'’ll go into office with my boots on.
I'’ll die with my boots on. Next.
-Alan Shore? -What about him?
He expresses many anti-American views.
Which I disagree with most of the time.
But I won'’t throw him under the bus to be president. What else you got?
We'’re prepared to go forward this year without the blessing of the Christian right.
But we cannot and will not abandon the values
of our most valuable and precious Republican base.
I speak, of course, of the N.R.A.
Bring it on!
We have taken many ridiculous cases, but suing a church--
That'’s guilty of gender bias.
Are you saying we should have a woman pope?
There is evidence of a female pope called Joan around the ninth century.
Records of her were destroyed by subsequent popes.
Carl, it'’s not a ridiculous case,
and since it could be perceived as runaway feminism,
I really, really think it'’s important that we have a man at the table.
No, no, no, no.
It'’s the right thing to do.
And you know what? I'’ll bet a reasonable judge will agree.
Of all the ridiculous, sacrilegious, blasphemous acts of heresy I'’ve ever heard.
As for the unreasonable ones--
You want me to order the archdiocese to ordain a woman?
We are simply asking you to deny their tax-exempt status if they continue to discriminate.
Miss Schmidt, the First Amendment to our Constitution
has something in it called the Establishment Clause.
Yes, I'’ve read it. Your Honor, I would refer you
to the case against Bob Jones University
where a religious institution does not allow interracial dating or marriage,
and so they were denied their tax-exempt status.
Bob Jones was sued as a school, not a church.
They were sued as a religious educational institution.
There are many religions that restrict the priesthood, counsel.
Orthodox Judaism, Islam, Mormonism, Orthodox Christianity.
And if they do so solely on gender, they'’re committing a civil rights violation.
Well, have you got a witness?
Yes, I do. I'’m so glad you asked. Renee?
You are going to like her.
God beckoned me.
-Hello. My name'’s Katie Lloyd. This is Jerry Espenson. -Hi.
-Hello. Welcome. -Well, thank you for coming in.
I'’m sure you can guess what'’s on my mind.
We can.
Good. Here'’s the offer.
She tells us who runs the ring, agrees to give testimony against this individual, or individuals,
we'’ll dismiss the charges, and give her transactional immunity.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'’d first need to see a copy of the incident report,
together with the proffer of your agent'’s testimony,
so we know what we'’re dealing with in the way of evidence.
No problem. We'’ll get that to you right away.
Thank you.
It doesn'’t strike me as airtight. The language is ambiguous.
-No sex actually transpired. -Lorraine,
I don'’t see how I can recommend anything other than she accept this offer.
Otherwise, she'’s looking at jail.
And if she does take the deal?
Well, it'’s not like I never thought this day could come.
May I ask why?
You'’ve established yourself as a first-rate attorney.
Why continue with this brothel business?
I did get out for a while.
And?
I missed it.
What do you mean, "It'’s on"?
I got past round one.
-What'’s round two? -We meet with a bunch of donors,
-test the waters to see if we can raise money. -Can you imagine?
No. Denny, would you even want to be president?
Think of it. You and I on the Oval Office balcony,
scotch, cigars, maybe even an intern.
Denny, your balcony days would be over.
There'’d be sniper assassins to worry about!
Please. Look, I know it'’s not really gonna happen. I'’m not kidding myself.
-But? -But just to be considered.
To be on the shortlist even for a day, that'’s something to tell your grandchildren.
I may have a few. You should check on that.
We are. We need to do a background check on you as well.
-Me? -You'’re his best friend.
We'’d need to vet all of his--
If you'’ve gotten this far, you'’ve already vetted me.
Will you get serious?
To think I could have my finger on the button.
My own nuclear bomb.
You want to withdraw because your advice would be to take the deal,
and you don'’t want to act against Lorraine'’s interests.
-Basically, yes. -Well, I don'’t want the deal.
You don'’t have to do this for me.
I'’m not doing it for you.
When I made my choice to go into this profession, I did so without shame.
I reject the notion that it'’s immoral, and I won'’t be judged for it,
especially by you.
You'’ll be judged by the law, Dana, which criminalizes this.
A law which is as unreasonable as it is archaic.
And I'’d like to challenge it.
-You can'’t mean that. -I do mean that.
Is there a mechanism for challenging the validity of the law itself?
Well, our best bet would be to get the matter certified
to the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court--
That'’s what I want to do. We'’ll take our shot there and then decide--
Please stop looking at me like I'’m a sexual deviant. Could you do that, Jerry?
But you are a sexual deviant, Dana.
You engage in sexual conduct for a fee. That'’s as deviant as it is immoral.
I do judge you, and I'’ll ask you to stop looking at me for either approval or sympathy!
-Oh! -[air hissing]
We stayed any formal arraignment pending a motion before the S.J.C.
Should we lose, you can expect to be formally charged tomorrow.
Okay.
I'’d like you to argue it, Jerry.
Me? Why?
Please?
-Hello. Hel-lo. -Denny.
Pick a card, any card. We could meet after work, have a wine "spitzer."
I had six wives. None of them understood me.
Many of the church'’s doctrines have nothing to do with divine law.
-For example? -Well, celibacy, for one.
Priests were not required to be celibate until 1139,
before which they were allowed to have families, usually quite large.
Celibacy was a function of economic pragmatism, not divine law.
I would probably not be celibate. I am sexually rambunctious.
And, may I ask, is this something that'’s important to you?
Yes. When I was young, people considered me... off.
I was shunned, ostracized.
As you can see, it'’s still very difficult for me to talk about it now.
The Catholic Church reached out to me.
They were a source of great comfort.
I would like to extend the tolerance and compassion to others
that was so greatly afforded to me in my time of--
I apologize. I didn'’t mean to get emotional.
-[knocking] -What are you doing?
Take a look at this.
If I did run, I couldn'’t lose.
-Look at her eyes. Mad cow, man. -Oh, come on.
-What else could it be? -[keyboard clicking]
Makes sense. I'’m pretty sure Bill's got it.
Could be post-traumatic stress. Remember the "Whitewater" rafting trip with Kenneth Starr?
She took a lot of sniper fire in Bosnia.
Bullets sailing over her head as she ran for cover.
Surprising Bill in the Oval Office, that had to be some "shock and awe."
Her problem with Bill is she isn'’t pretty enough. She needs to be prettier.
-Like him. -You think he'’s pretty?
What? What are you talking about? He used to be Whitney Houston.
What about McCain? You'’d first have to get by him.
Please! McCain is patient zero, mad cow.
He can'’t remember anybody he'’s met before, so he calls everybody his friend.
You know, my friends. Thank you all, my friends.
My friends. My friends. My friends.
Tonight, my friends. Well, my friends. So, my friends. So, my friends.
[laughs]
They want me to take a physical before I meet with the donors.
-I'’m sorry? -The search committee.
They want me to take a physical to make sure I'’m healthy. Oh, please.
I can kick McCain'’s ass. Obama'’s too.
Hillary, I'’m not sure.
So, you have to go to one of their doctors?
On the QT at the Avalon, and that'’s where the meeting with the donors is.
How could they possibly take it this far?
I'’m a wanted man, Alan. Wanted.
You expect me to overturn the law against prostitution in the Commonwealth?
Yes, Your Honor. Or, in the alternative,
schedule a hearing before the full supreme judicial court
to determine whether the statute is arbitrary, unreasonable,
and, therefore, unconstitutional on its ass-- Face.
Okay. Why don'’t you start by telling me why it'’s unreasonable?
Gladly.
It'’s estimated that legalizing prostitution
would decrease the rape rate in this country by 25%.
That alone should merit the court'’s consideration.
Moreover, criminalizing prostitution doesn'’t make it go away.
It just renders it more dangerous.
Why not regulate the profession?
Employ and ensure safety measures that would reduce the risk of AIDS, S.T.D.'’s.
We could also ensure that the women are less exploited, be it with insurance benefits.
I am offended by the idea that this doesn'’t victimize women.
-It'’s legal in Nevada... -What isn'’t in Nevada?
-...Canada and many countries. Argentina, Australia-- -This is an issue for the legislature, not the court.
-Brazil, New Zealand, Norway-- -I don'’t care what other countries do.
-We do not follow. We lead. -Ireland, Italy, Germany...
We certainly do not conform our moral code to coincide--
-Let me finish! -Who are you looking to protect?
My investigators have seen you with Miss Strickland.
All right. You want to go after me, sweetheart? Take your shot.
I will go after you if you have broken the law.
No. Your Honor, this law is about imposing a morality.
What'’s more, it doesn't work. Prostitution exists. It always will.
Driving it underground makes it more dangerous.
It establishes a base camp, if you will, for organized crime,
for other criminal enterprises, including the child sex trade, slave trafficking--
He is talking in circles!
How about we take this money earmarked for prosecutions
and dedicate it to AIDS awareness, sex education?
Twenty-five percent of American female teenagers between 14 and 19
now have some form of S.T.D.
Meanwhile, we see more and more abstinence programs popping up.
Schools forbidden to talk about condoms. That'’s what's criminal!
And legalizing prostitution--
We'’ll end up with fewer prostitutes in the morgue!
Given that it'’s a multi-billion dollar industry anyway, why not tax it?
Why not use it to help build the hospitals and schools
that politicians promise to deliver but never get around to,
'’cause many of them are too busy hanging out with hookers?
We could use that money, Judge. We'’re in a war.
We have a deficit, billions of dollars.
Why give it to criminals when we can use it to support our troops?
Trump card! I said it! Support our troops! I win!
[indistinct conversations]
Thank you.
May I ask what you'’re doing here?
Denny invited me. Don'’t worry. I won't tell.
I'’m very loyal to the party.
Of course, one might question your loyalty
proffering Denny Crane as a presidential candidate.
You think it'’s my idea?
My only hope is that these people come to their senses.
On the other hand, John McSnore doesn'’t win the logic prize either.
Where is Denny?
I believe he'’s getting his physical.
You were told to bring your records.
Why don'’t you just take my blood pressure and let'’s get on with this?
Took your blood pressure, Mr. Crane. That was not a polygraph.
-Now you'’ll need an E.K.G. -What for?
To check your heart. Just to make sure that you don'’t keel over and die.
[sighs] Judas Priest.
We certainly teach that men and women are equal.
-But? -But they have different roles that are divinely bestowed.
This is an authoritarian teaching called "complementarity."
-Complementarity? -Yes.
It'’s not sexism. We believe in the plan of God.
Men and women complement each other and thereby occupy different positions.
Separate but equal?
Spend a day with the nuns.
You might conclude they'’re a little more equal.
That would be funny if it wasn'’t sexist.
Women can head state, and national, and international Catholic institutions.
But when it comes to being a priest?
That role is reserved for men.
You realize, Your Holiness, that a majority of Catholics in this country
now favor women in the priesthood?
We don'’t modify doctrine to comply with opinion polls.
Oh, come on. Sure you do.
The church once defended slavery as willed by God.
You modified that doctrine. Then there was the persecution of witches.
You know, with the big rocks, torture.
And let'’s not forget the crimes of the Inquisition.
All of those were Catholic Church doctrines adjusted according to popular opinion.
And let'’s not forget that you once condemned homosexuality
as an intrinsic and moral evil.
But-- Oh, wait. That one still stands.
Your Holiness, I have great respect
and, well, appreciation for the Catholic Church.
How could I not? After all, I'’m a Jew.
You made one of ours almighty.
But this woman thing, the truth is, in many cities,
women are being secretly ordained by Roman Catholic male bishops
who believe it is the right thing to do.
Those bishops do so at the risk of excommunication.
-Even the mere mention of-- -Wait a second.
So one could have a glorious Catholic career.
Rise to the position of bishop.
Yet, if you are to so much as whisper, "Hey, maybe women should be ordained,"
you'’d be excommunicated?
Wow.
Sounds like somebody somewhere has got something against women.
I find you attractive.
Why couldn'’t we do this at a regular doctor'’s office?
You'’re asking the wrong person.
All I was told is it'’s security,
and we need to set up separate facilities in here.
Why you people have to be so damn secretive is beyond me. In here.
ALL: Surprise!
[laughter]
Gotcha, Denny. Gotcha.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give to you the next president of the United States, Denny Crane!
[playing "Hail to the Chief"]
[laughter]
This is, uh-- This is a joke?
Mike Brady came up with the idea.
It just took on a life, and-and we figured,
why not make a party out of it?
So I'’m not really running for president?
[laughter]
May I have your attention, please?
[music slowly stops]
I'’m Special Agent John Sharpe of the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
I need you all to get down on your knees and put your hands on top of your heads now.
-What'’s going on? -Do it now, sir.
This is a room full of lawyers, you know?
Sir, I'’m running this party now.
You'’re all under arrest for theft by false pretenses.
-What? -We have been informed of a fund-raising scheme
intended to raise sums of money for an individual
fraudulently posing as a presidential candidate.
-No! No, no, no, no, no, no-- -Down on your knees, please.
We'’re not really asking for money. It'’s a practical joke.
-We'’re all in on it! -I'’m--I'm not in on it.
-A practical joke? -Yes! On this man, Denny Crane.
He was the one deceived. Nobody'’s actually being solicited for money.
No transaction.
Is this true, sir? Are they all in on it?
I don'’t know. I--I can'’t believe that Harry Becket is in on it.
And Sandra Cooke-- She hasn'’t got a mean bone in her body.
Mitch, you were at all six of my weddings.
All these people, they know me. We go way back.
And they of all people should know...
that you can'’t get the master!
You all have the right to remain silent.
You have all been had by Mr. Denny Crane.
-What? -WOMAN: What?
Maestro?
[playing "Hail to the Chief"]
Amateurs, all of ya!
What'’s the matter, Paul? You don'’t look so great.
Start the party!
Hey.
What'’s up?
We lost. Evidently the judge didn'’t go for the idea
of using prostitution to fund the war.
So we go to trial?
The arraignment is scheduled for tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.
And my chances of winning?
Not great.
Dana, you do have to consider this deal they'’re offering.
-Can I talk to Jerry for a minute? -Certainly.
I'’m sorry. I spun a little out of control in my argument.
I didn'’t really expect to win, Jerry.
The reason, uh, I even wanted to try,
the reason I specifically wanted you to argue...
I'’ve read of the, uh-- The phenomenon where
lawyers invariably come to believe in the merits of their arguments.
I wanted you to believe that I'’m not a criminal.
I wanted you to be convinced that I'’m not amoral.
Because I want desperately to get back with you.
Is that a possibility?
No.
Okay.
Well, uh, I--
[sighs] I guess I'’ll, uh... I'’ll see you in court then.
Your Honor, the plaintiff is asking you
to invalidate church law on the grounds that it'’s unreasonable.
This is religion, for God'’s sake.
We don'’t hold religion and faith up to standards of reasonableness.
Why shouldn'’t we?
Does it really make sense that God got mad at the human race
and drowned them all, including children,
and all the animals, except two of each, which survived on a big boat?
Do Christians literally believe the Earth was made in seven days?
Religion, some of it, is out there,
but we all have the right to believe in what we choose.
That'’s the point of the Establishment Clause.
One of the many reasons America came into being
was so that we, as a people,
could be free to practice the religion of our choice.
Now one doesn'’t have to love the tenets of Catholicism.
Miss Winger is certainly free to choose another faith.
But paramount to the Catholic religion is a male priesthood.
It'’s not just to Catholics.
Orthodox Judaism segregates men and women in the synagogue.
Girls have to sit in the back or the balcony.
They also don'’t allow women to be rabbis.
Islam, forget about it. They don'’t even let women show their faces.
The ugly fact is that we'’re okay with bigotry in this country,
as long as it'’s cloaked in faith.
And the prejudice isn'’t limited to women.
You think we'’ll ever eliminate gay-bashing while giving tax breaks to institutions
who declare that homosexuality is a moral sin and evil?
Whether it'’s persecution of the Christians in ancient Rome,
or the Holocaust during World War II, or Bosnia today,
where we have ethnic genocide in progress,
religion has a mean legacy.
This isn'’t about Bosnia.
Why would you have to travel the globe to make a point, Mr. Sack,
if your argument held water here at home?
Want me to keep it local? Fine with me.
Pat Robertson. He'’s a popular guy.
He referred to Presbyterians and Episcopalians and Methodists as the spirit of Antichrist.
He'’s also rumored to have blamed Katrina on the fact
that Ellen DeGeneres, a lesbian, lived in New Orleans.
Jerry Falwell said that 9/11 happened
because of God'’s wrath against homosexuals.
I'’m a spiritual man.
I go to temple. I pray. I believe in God.
But we cannot deny that religion is one place
where we allow hate and oppression and discrimination
to fester as it seeks safe haven in the Constitution.
The Catholic Church, by denying the priesthood to women,
is guilty of gender bias.
Simple as that.
It should stop.
And there goes my Humanitas award.
Jerry, she didn'’t show.
Excuse me?
Dana. She skipped arraignment.
There'’s a warrant out for her arrest.
Did she say anything about this to you?
No. She just said good-bye.
Well, she'’s--
Dana Strickland seems to have disappeared, Lorraine.
Would you know anything about that?
No.
You wouldn'’t have facilitated her fleeing the jurisdiction by chance?
That would make me an accomplice to a crime.
[sighs]
I simply have to know. Did you know right from the beginning?
You had me for about an hour. Your problem is I know Chris Andrews, insider.
He and Dick Cheney shoot lawyers together.
One phone call, I knew what you were up to.
When are you gonna learn, Paul? You can'’t fool...
-[mouthing words] -Denny Crane.
Did you bring my money?
Thank you, Paul.
And thank you for going to the great lengths you did,
along with all those other people, to try and humiliate me.
Really made me feel good.
You know, Denny,
I didn'’t really intend for it to come off as mean-spirited.
As it did.
See you, Paul.
[sighs] I'’m a lucky man, huh?
Denny, practical jokes are very complicated.
Some of them are mean-spirited,
but typically there is affection involved too.
They'’re not played on enemies. They'’re played on friends.
With friends like that...
You'’re a successful, powerful man of whom many people are probably jealous.
As strong as friendship is, maybe it'’s no match for envy.
I gotta keep reminding myself what'’s important here.
-Which is? -They didn'’t get me.
I got them.
Yes, you did.
[sighs] All right. I must confess.
Every time I hear some feminist complaining about women'’s rights,
I mutter to myself, "Oh, go to hell."
Last night, I had a dream. One that I'’ve had before, mind you.
I arrive at the pearly gates. I'’m introduced to God.
She'’s a woman. She stands there with her arms folded.
And she asks,
"And where did you stand on women'’s rights, Your Honor?"
And then she says, "Go to hell."
Catholic people are tolerant and intelligent
and I believe they would be open to this.
And I also agree that if the church is going to discriminate,
the government should at least not incentivize their bigotry with tax breaks.
If we, the people, are sincere about eliminating discrimination in this country,
we can'’t tolerate it anywhere.
Even if it comes in religious form.
Judgment in favor of the plaintiff.
Adjourned.
-[laughs] -Well, congratulations. Expect an appeal.
-Wow. -I am simply wrought. Never did I--
I'’m sorry. I need a moment to collect myself.
Take your time.
Can you imagine, Denny, if you were to lead this country?
What? We'’d have Air Force One at our disposal.
My own personal Mile High Club. Hit Vegas for the night, Copenhagen, Bangkok.
Gotta love a place that calls itself Bangkok.
Make you ambassador.
[laughs] Denny, you make me laugh.
I know this sounds crazy, but I think I'’d make a fine president.
What would you actually do if you were commander-in-chief?
I'’d stop outsourcing to the Chinese,
drop a few bags of grain on Africa.
Is that where they'’re starving?
There and too many other places.
I'’d add France to the Axis of Evil. Have they done that?
Matter of time.
Then I'’d invite Hillary into the Oval Office.
Give her a little taste of honey.
-That'’s vulgar. -Well, what do you want in a president?
Oh, I don'’t mean politically. I know where you stand on the issues.
But what do you want in the person?
Well, one who could reestablish some of the dignity to the office.
That would be a good start. Dropping "trou" for Hillary wouldn'’t do the trick.
Oh, I was just kidding.
Sort of.
You know what I really think of America right now, Denny?
Oh, here we go.
I don'’t mean simply its politics, but our culture.
We'’ve become such a dumb, fat, bubblegum nation.
Schlocky and superficial. Our music, books, television.
One of the heads of NBC recently said that the plan was
to get people to tune in and mentally tune out.
And this wasn'’t an admission, by the way, but a boast.
You'’re starting to bore me.
Is it any wonder that we have a television show called
Are You Smarter than a Second Graderand a president that isn'’t?
I so miss a little dignity in America.
I suppose I most worry that if you ran for president, you might actually win.
Oh! That hurts.
Coming from you?
If you stopped all your nonsense, perhaps you'’d be a great leader,
but, Denny, I don'’t want you to stop your nonsense.
Who would I have to play with?
Who would I have to... sit on this balcony with every night?
So you wouldn'’t be voting for me?
Probably not. I'’m too selfish.
Plus, y-- Well, no offense,
but I think your generation made America into what it is today.
It'’s time for it to be inherited by your children.
I think you need to hand over the keys to the car to their leader. It'’s time.
Well, maybe I could be president for the day.
Knock over Cuba, grab the cigars, bomb Iran, then resign.
[chuckles] There you go.
That'’d be a day, wouldn'’t it?
Cuba in the morning. Iran before lunch, after a matinee with Hillary--
Maybe a threesome with Ginsburg. They both want me.
[laughs]
Step down at 4:00.
On the balcony here at 5:00 for a nightcap with you.
[laughs] That'’d be a hell of a day.
Then go fishing.
I'’ll drink to that.
You'’ll drink to anything.
You and me right here, I'’d drink to that.
[sighs] Denny Crane...
King for a day. Wow.
Wow.
MALE ANNOUNCER: Next onBoston Legal...
I come to you asking you to represent our historic town
in a rather drastic cause of action.
Which is?
We wish to secede from the United States of America.
I don'’t want you to take this case.
I already did.
This will affect our friendship, Alan.
Denny, he will tear you up.
I don'’t want to see you get hurt.
You think you'’ll win, hmm?
I'’ll certainly survive summary judgment.
$50,000 says you won'’t.
-I'’m not going to bet you. -Chicken?
-You know you'’ll lose. -I won'’t lose.
WOMAN: You stinkah!
Captioned by Point.360